Note: Sorry, this ended up to be a nonknitting post again. I was going to go over my knitting/crochet/craft year too but when I started writing, I realized I had other things I needed to write about first.
I’ve been trying to think of ways to describe 2010. I had the highest of the highs (CoffeeBoy back for good, work successes, weight loss, the wedding of two very close friends) and the lowest of the lows (spending the first half of the year in a depression, my only constant companion in my life passing away, family issues, problems too personal to post on the internet). So I guess to sum up, 2010 was just…a year.
I went through a depression for the first 6 months, to the extent I’m not even sure anyone realized. I pretty much only left the house for work, I blew off friends invitations and just sat around and ate, knitted,and zoned out on the internet/tv and just couldn’t shake it. I hate when I get like that – I don’t want to bring other people down so I don’t whine about it. So I retreat deeper & deeper in my own mind, which wasn’t a pleasant place to be.
And I gained a lot of weight, which made it worse. I just couldn’t get motivated to do anything about it. I’m going to admit somthing that very few people know about – I think I was pushing 250lbs – I was too scared to actually step on a scale. I’m 5’11” – I felt like this huge monster. I’ve always had problems with self image and this is the heaviest I had ever been and I hated myself for it. I wouldn’t buy myself new clothes because I wanted to cry when I saw the sizes I was fitting into & it was all my fault for letting myself go. In 2007 I weighed about 175lbs, I was working out & was happy & healthy.
Finally in June I had enough. May was a pretty good month – I had a wonderful trip with my mom to the Oregon coast, which we both really needed and I finally got my self out of the house to go to a show, by myself even, of one of my favorite bands Mumford & Sons. And I realized I couldn’t continue with this fucking depression & I needed to do something about it. Immediately.
I bought an ipod touch and downloaded the Couch to 5K program and started.
It was tough starting. I honestly never liked running, even when I was fit & happy but I did once in awhile, usually about a mile at a time. But now, running even for a minute at a time was tough. I had an old treadmill my mom gave me & ran outside a bit. But slowly I started to improve and finally felt brave enough to go to the gym again.
Then at the end of July, I decided to push myself and join my friends at a Boot Camp. My close friend was a trainer there and other friends were going and I figured that I did want to lose more weight before CB came home and honestly, I think I realized I needed to be around people more. Again, starting was rough – I stepped on the scale for the first time in well over a year (231) & during the first class I wanted to die because I couldn’t keep up. I came home & cried. But I went back and other days I spent at the gym closer to my work & home.
By the end of the 6 week session, I had lost 13lbs and actually went out and bought some new jeans that actually fit me for the first time in years (instead of not letting myself buy the size I actually needed because I was embarrassed by the number. Yes, lame I know.)
CB came home & my depression for the most part lifted. We took a trip to Seattle, our first “vacation” in years (all of our vacations was flying back & forth between MA & OR) and in Oct was the wedding of our very close friends.
It was a good month.
November came, and I started another session of boot camp, more intense than before, but I could see the changes in my body. I also became more outgoing and more of a team player than before, which kept me going. It also was the month I lost my cat – which I’ve already covered in detail so I won’t go into it again. But having CB here and some really close friends, as well as a job I loved helped me through it.
As of yesterday, my weight was down to 207. Higher than I wanted (I was really hoping for 200 by NYE) but still pretty good. While I had a really awful day this week, I think I’m ending this year much happier than I started. Tonight I will celebrate with friends the passing of 2010….and hoping for a wonderful 2011 for us all.
A long December and there’s reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last…
(okay, a Counting Crows song, but I love it & it fit my mind right now)